


I Was Made From Shadows, From Secrets

by Darkhymns



Series: Colloyd Week 2019 [6]
Category: Tales of Symphonia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Doppelganger, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 12:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18550069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkhymns/pseuds/Darkhymns
Summary: When he had grabbed her from Mithos’ hold, his hands had been forceful on her wrists, his smile had been sharp, stinging her heart so painfully. Yet, even then, just like now…“Colette,” he said. “We promised, remember?”He had the same eyes.These are fragments of a shadow who refuses to leave, refuses to stop existing.





	I Was Made From Shadows, From Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> For Colloyd Week, Day 6: You're Still You. This is a weird interpretation of the theme oops, and not very fluff or anything. Anyway! Also rough and told in certain scenes. Overall an incomplete story but hope it reads well enough.
> 
> [Art](https://frayed-symphony.tumblr.com/post/184347597228/day-six-for-colloydweek-youre-still) that Frayed-Symphony drew for this story! Look look please and thank you.

“We promised we’d go on our own journey together.”

Colette remembered. It had been her own promise too. Underneath the stars, she had vowed to go with Lloyd on his journey, as he had gone on hers. She had looked at him, his eyes reflecting the starlight as she made that promise with him. Why would she do anything less?

Within this unfamiliar space of crumbling architecture, of dark space that stretched out into nothingness, she held onto that promise as Mithos’ hold on her ate through her mind. Not so much pain, but the wrongness of it all, had been so excruciating. Through it all, Mithos had been shouting, demanding, _promising_ the loss of her humanity again.

The arms around her pulled her close, and she found very little in her to push them away.

“How do you…” she started, then pressed her lips firmly. Maybe she was mistaken, maybe her mind had already been completely devoured, and she was just now in a strange dream. Yet, how could anyone else but Lloyd know that? Unless…

“You think Mithos somehow told me this?” he said. His voice was in her ear, the tone low, traveling through her head. Like warm nights under star-studded skies. But then she heard something else, mocking everything so suddenly. “Or that I’m just something you’re imagining.”

This would be the most convincing imagination she had ever had if that was the case. His arms felt so solid, and the breath of his voice was warm against her neck. It was… like something she had wanted. Like something she had deeply wanted, and now that it was here, she didn’t know what to do. Maybe her mind was gone to Mithos and whatever was left of her fell to a wish before she would be gone completely.

“I don’t know what to think,” she whispered, not leaving, unsure how to. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.” But he said it, like, how _he_ would say it, and… “It’s not your fault you’re here.”

Turned away from him, one of his arms wrapped closely to her neck, but not tightly. Like when he would embrace her from behind as a surprise, and she’d place her hands on his forearm, laughing at the contact, at that touch that would go away much too soon. But he kept it here now, and he kept her close.

“How did you… get here?” she asked. She looked again at the arm, clothes dyed in black, and that was the one thing that settled in her mind that, if this was a dream, she did not know why she would imagine him in this color. “Have you been here this whole time? Did Mithos make you?”

No answer. Just a soft placement of his chin near her neck, both standing within the strange space, waiting. She… wanted something from him though. So she carefully turned her head to see his… his face again.

 _He’s waiting for Lloyd to come find me,_ she thought. And as she held his name in her mind, all while she turned to him, it was hard to separate the two then.

Because when he had grabbed her from Mithos’ hold, his hands had been forceful on her wrists, his smile had been sharp, stinging her heart so painfully. Yet, even then, just like now…

“Colette,” he said. “We promised, remember?”

He had the same eyes.

* * *

Lloyd had been rushing across confusing ramps and stairways, some converging or ending abruptly, their pathways lost to the dark. But something in his chest tugged him at a certain direction. The structure of Derris-Kharlan didn’t make much sense, and he could only rely on the strange teleporters to get him anywhere at all. Everyone had been taken before he could make much sense of things, and the cold feeling in his chest hadn’t let up as he desperately tried to find Colette. It squeezed and poked sharp knives within him, but standing around worrying wouldn’t do anything useful.

Underneath an arch of violet stone, the void around him pulsing with emptiness, he found her then. Her hair was like a bright banner against the dim muted colors of the world. “Colette!” he called out. He had promised they would journey together and-

“L-Lloyd?” she called back, but he couldn’t make sense of who was next to her. Of who was holding her.

Later on, he could find no feeling the describe what went through him. Disturbing. Uneasy. Nervewracking. Unreal.

Seeing someone with his own face had been the last thing he expected that day.

Within that strange, gravity-rejecting space, he saw both of them leaning against a torn pillar. She had her eyes wide, unsure, and his arms (but not _his_ ) were wrapped around her, keeping her close. Darkness stained his clothes, red cutting into the black from his collar. Her hands were on one of his arms, trying to keep it away from her neck. Maybe? Or…

“Lloyd!” she shouted again, staring at him from across a long distance.

At that, the one with his face turned to him.

“Who the hell-” And then Lloyd had to quickly step back, only able to unsheathe one sword in time to block the strike.

“You were late,” said the other with his face, and struck again.

The blade aimed for his side, and he parried quickly with his same sword before letting free of the other. _What IS this?_ he could only think before getting hit again. They were near the edge of the floating platform they were on. Another hit, and he would lose his balance and fall.

His… copy? His twin? His double? He didn’t let up.

“Get...away!” he shouted, shoving at the other with a kick before downward striking with both of his swords.

But it was like this other face knew? Or expected, or something, because he was rushing behind Lloyd and aiming another slash again. Whether it was the rush of adrenaline, or his Exsphere’s power that got him to dodge, he wasn’t sure. The light of his father’s swords as he fought back, clashing against whatever dullness the other’s blades emitted, were the only thing giving him some focus, leaving trails of red and blue as he swung.

By the end of it, his arms were searing with pain.

This weird, other face of his barely looked tired at all, still holding up his swords, the only thing showing he had even been in a fight was the slightly messy ruffling of his hair.

Lloyd knew he looked a lot worse in comparison. He didn’t like that.

Before he could even ask, before he could even think, (Again, what _was_ all this?) his copy was rushing for him, and Lloyd only had a split second to defend.

Something whistled through the air. A glint sparked against his other’s wrist, sending him stumbling to his knees, knocking one sword from his arm.

 _“Colette!”_ came a shout from this other’s throat. And something within that tone, like his but not, warped and wrong and shouting, why was he shouting at her, made Lloyd rush to tackle him straight on. He knocked the other back with the hilt of his Vorpal Sword, while Flamberge was raised high, the  blade’s light shining red on the copy’s hair, sharpening the strange disgust that-

“No, stop it! Both of you!” Colette’s hands wrapped around his arm, bringing Lloyd’s weight down to the ground, while she fell with him.

The other stayed where he was, not looking anywhere.

Lloyd dropped his blades, waiting for the burn in his hands to lessen.

“Who… _is_ this?” he finally croaked out, stunned by how angry he sounded. He cleared his throat, and the strange feeling left as he turned to Colette. “Are- are you okay? What did he…” He almost made to turn back but stopped himself. But what if they were attacked again?

“I’m fine! I’m okay, just…” Instead, she turned to the other, gathering herself up on her knees. “You.. didn’t say you’d attack Lloyd!”

She spoke with him like she knew him.

Lloyd wasn’t sure what this other guy was doing. He didn’t want to look, but that sounded stupid to not, and so he wrenched his head to his direction. His own face stared back, seated on the floor as he held his gloved wrist.

“I had to know,” was what he said, what this _other_ said, with _his_ voice. Then he turned away, looking at nothing, and frowning, and what the hell was Lloyd seeing right now that made his chest feel like it was about to cave in.

A soft voice by his ear. “Lloyd…?”

It took him a moment to understand she meant him. Yes. Yes, of course she meant him. “Are you really okay, Colette?”

“Yes,” she said, smiling at him. She squeezed his hands. “I knew you’d come for me.”

“Well, yeah! Of course!” And he could almost forget what had just happened a minute ago, his joy at seeing her safe, except his arms still ached to ruin that feeling. Didn’t even fight Mithos and…

“Wait. Where’s Mithos? He took you I thought!” Lloyd reached out to her, squeezing her shoulders to reassure himself that she was still his Colette. “Did he just leave?”

“No, actually… someone saved me. And chased Mithos away so I could be me again…” She lowered her head as she spoke. “He still helped..”

Lloyd knew who she meant. “That… thing?” he asked, and his words sparked something in Colette’s eyes. She was angry.

“He’s not a… I mean..” she sighed. “He helped me and… said he would wait with me until you showed up. I didn’t know he’d attack. I really didn’t.”

Something then jumped to the forefront of his mind. “Why was he holding you?”

It was to keep her in place, that was it. It was to keep her from escaping, from going to him. But Colette only raised her head to him then, looking so conflicted. But what was there to be conflicted about?

“He’s… in pain.”

Lloyd had to assess what Colette was actually saying to him.

“Sorry, just- what is… huh?!”

Colette looked to her knees, her hands still shaking from her fierce hold on her weapons. “I don’t think he’ll attack anymore.” She bit her lip. “I… Can you believe me on this?”

This was not at all how Lloyd expected for things to go.

Still, he knew they barely had time to think about this. He shook his head, sheathed his swords, and then gathered himself to his feet, bringing Colette up with him. “I believe you, okay? I guess we should still keep an eye out though?” Could he handle some person with his face fighting against Mithos with him like that?

Colette hedged, “Maybe he could come with us?”

Lloyd, for once, didn’t know how to reassure her with this.

“I don’t… Uh, look, let’s just… find the others. And… deal with this thing later.” Lloyd hadn’t really the energy to think about other versions of himself walking around, or he didn’t want to. A look passed over Colette’s face, but she turned, looking back at the… other him? Just staring at his hand where her chakram had bit into his wrist.

“We can get the Professor to heal him,” she said, or hoped for.

Lloyd looked at his own injuries, one on his shoulder, nicked by the other’s swords, and bit his lip. “He’ll be fine.” He was surprised at how much he didn’t want that.

Still, he took Colette’s hand, trying to get his bearings. “Let’s go. After everything, we can… figure things out. And then we can travel, just you and me.”

Her grip tightened in his grip, and though she looked up at him with a smile, he saw how her gaze stayed on the other before… a bit too long.

The familiarity he saw was more than just the face, and that was what disturbed Lloyd so much.

* * *

 

The world was reunited, but there were still two of them around. For this dilemma, Lloyd didn’t know how to solve it. But that was why Kratos was around, he supposed.

“I could take him,” Kratos said, already preparing to leave. He still winced a little when he put weight on his right leg, though he tried not to show it. “If he was created by Mithos, or.. simply appeared... maybe the answer might lie on Derris-Kharlan. It would also be…” he hesitated. “Safer, if he were with me.”

There was a note in Kratos’ voice that Lloyd was unsure to think of. But then he wasn’t a dad who was seeing two versions of the same son before. No, he was just the guy who had to deal with a doppelganger running around, or whatever Genis had called the thing.

Honestly, Lloyd was ready to just push his weird moody double towards Kratos’ direction and just say his farewells. It was a weird experience anytime he looked towards the other. What do you say to someone that had your face, but twisted it in such mean ways?

He opened his mouth to say yes to Kratos, but Colette had beaten him to it.

“I don’t think we should let him go… He’s still hurting.”

Kratos raised an eyebrow at the girl. Lloyd couldn’t be that subtle. He full blown turned to her with wide eyes. “What? He just kidnapped you! Why are you worried about him so much?” She had been so… near the other Lloyd lately, and he had no idea what to think about it all.

“He brought me back though!” she countered. Her face was set, determined. He already knew he would have a hard time convincing her. “He can’t be all bad… and he reminds me of-” She stopped then.

Lloyd wasn’t sure he wanted that other part of him to be so familiar. He really didn’t like it.

“Well,” Kratos said, filling in the silence that both had left out in the open. “I suppose if the Chosen wishes it.”

Colette turned to Kratos with hope, and Lloyd could only feel so betrayed by him. Again! “She’s not a Chosen anymore!”

“And I’m not a mercenary.” Kratos looked to his son with that same blank face he was so good at expressing with. “But the memory of the mercenary owes much to the long-gone Chosen.” His tone held no room for argument apparently.

Also, it was clear that Lloyd was outnumbered; by Kratos, by Colette, and… by himself? He didn’t want to think about it anymore.

* * *

Before they would leave for their journey, Colette found her necklace missing one morning. She searched all around her room, upturning pillows, and looking under dressers. The effect of his necklace she knew had already worked, her body was safe, and her soul was her own – but the necklace was precious all the same.

Leaving through the back door to see if she had dropped it outside, she found him there. Lloyd, but not.

 _There is something in him that is still the same._ But she could never say what. He sat on the grass, looking over the necklace he held in his hand.

She blinked. “That’s… that’s mine?” She was unsure why she framed it like question. “Um, thank you for finding it for me, I mean.” How was here? Was he not staying at Lloyd’s home?

He smiled, but it was the same sharpness she remembered. “This thing is garbage.”

Colette froze. “What do you-”

He threw it to the side, a golden flicker in the air before it disappeared into the grass.

“Stop that!” she shouted, despite it already happening. She rushed to the spot, fingers sifting around until she felt the chain brush her fingers. “This is Lloyd’s present to me.”

Suddenly he was kneeling by her side, suddenly he was there again. Colette remained still, unmoving, for the second time.

A face like Lloyd’s leaned in, still smiling. “He couldn’t even be bothered to make you one on time.”

Again, she wanted to know how he knew these things. But she was afraid of the answer. “That… doesn’t matter to me.” She clutched the necklace within her palm, the edges of its metal framework pricking into her skin. “And, it should be important to you still.” Slow realization pierced through her confusion. “Is that why you’re angry about it?”

Whatever shadows and secrets he was made of, this Lloyd before her would know. And in his eyes there was always pain. It was familiar, seeing such a thing laid bare.

_This Lloyd. He is still-_

He only shrugged at her words, the heat of his nearness soon leaving her. But his eyes lingered. She couldn’t find herself disliking him. How could she when he still echoed so much of what she ached to know?

“We’re supposed to leave soon, right?” he said, turning away. “Maybe you should start getting ready.”

Another fierce tremble of her hold on the necklace. “When did you take this from me?” She never parted with it, even when she slept.

But he didn’t answer, walking away from her, like a shadow leaving her head.

* * *

Lloyd didn’t think having another him existing would annoy him so much. Did the guy really had to wear black? Seriously?

“That’s such a boring color,” Lloyd muttered to himself, but Colette could instantly pick up with her angelic senses.

“Lloyd, please.”

“Well, it is!”

The doppelganger sat on the log, looking at basically nothing. Maybe their campfire. Who knows. Lloyd had no clue. His other self had been so… brutal back on Derris Kharlan, threatening, and meeting his sword attacks with a weird strength that had made Lloyd’s arms shake, but once they took him down to the surface, suddenly all of that had left him. He just followed them around now, _usually_ just behind Colette. Lloyd tried his best to get between the two at all times. They were on their way to Asgard, trying to fulfill their Exsphere quest… but dragging behind a third person, one Lloyd had never expected.

The other him’s clothes were exactly the same as his, down to the strips from his collar. Except his jacket was dyed a dark shade, making him blend too well with the night’s shadows, the strips painted red to cut into the blackness. It looked so dumb on him. And because they wore nearly the exact same clothes, passerby just always had to comment on their appearance. _You’re both such adorable twins! Matching outfits and everything!_ Lloyd hated it. And he was not changing his clothes to avoid that either! His doppelganger should do it instead!

What was even worse was how Colette would simply nod and smile at such a comment. It frustrated him to no end.

“Why do you keep defending him on everything?” he asked Colette pointedly. He didn’t care anymore if the other guy heard. At least he didn’t act like he heard.

“I- I don’t.” Colette shifted her eyes to the other before going back to Lloyd. She couldn’t even stop looking at him either. “I just don’t think he should be left alone.”

Lloyd scoffed. “This is stupid. We should’ve just let Kratos take him.”

“He wouldn’t have liked that-“ Colette started and suddenly Lloyd just flipped.

“Who cares what he likes?! He’s not a real person!” Colette flinched from his tone. He hadn’t…he hadn’t meant to yell, but everything had built up, ever since Colette was taken once again from him, and from a bad copy of him no less. And then Colette just… accepting this terrible part of himself. And refusing to let it go. He agreed with Colette on nearly everything, believed in wanting to help others like she did. It was why he had wanted to travel with her still, or at least one reason. But this felt too far for him now.

“Lloyd, he’s… he’s as real as both of us. I know it.”

He turned away, his chest building up with something unnamed. “Why do you care more for a fake over me?”

“That’s.. not…” Colette started, then her voice died. Lloyd didn’t know what else to say to that.

Neither had seen the doppelganger turn, eyes hard as he watched them. His hands had tightened, the black material of his coat creaking from the strain, but that was all.

* * *

It was their first night at a hotel, and any sense of normalcy any could have had was soon thrown out.

“Oh! I think they have your room ready for you.” Colette had made her way downstairs. The hotel lobby was empty now, the hour being late. Even the innkeeper had long gone to bed. She saw the doppelganger sat on one of the couches in the front, hands clasped together, staring at the floor. He had been doing that a lot lately…

“Okay,” he said, not turning to her. Colette paused, wondering if she should go further or head back to her room. Taking a deep breath, she went down to him, hesitantly taking a seat next to him.

“I just… um…” She struggled, biting her lip. “I just wanted to say sorry. I know things haven’t been easy so far.. Traveling can take a bit to get used to, but, I wanted you to see more of the world. It… must have been hard just staying in Derris-Kharlan that whole time.” Although he never told her how he… came to be, or even how long he had stayed there. But maybe one day!

The doppelganger still didn’t look at her. His face was so distant. But it was a familiar face. It was one that Lloyd himself would have on those nights when doubt would take over. But she knew he would never like that comparison if she said so.

“He yells at you like that often?” the doppelganger said… Lloyd said. It was so soft, his tone, holding warmth that she knew again.

Still, the words shocked her. “What? N-no. No, he doesn’t. He’s just… very stressed. And I haven’t been making it easy for him.” Colette clasped her hands in her lap. “I put too much on him.”

“You’re such a liar.”

That warm tone suddenly turned dark. She turned her head, finding this other Lloyd’s eyes on her. The same eyes still, but they were hard, and that smile from before, back when her wrists had ached from his capture, was once again on his face.

“That’s all you do. You lie to everyone, especially to yourself. You lie about him hurting you.”

“He doesn’t!” she said quickly. “That’s not how it is at all.”

“Yes, it is. You always take so much of everything, even when he’s the one that messed up. That’s how it’s always been, hasn’t it? Because of that, he expects so much from you. And when you can’t meet it…”

Colette stared at him. The Lloyd from back in Derris-Kharlan finally resurfaced again. Even so, even so… she couldn’t hate him. His voice held something else there.

“That’s not how Lloyd is.” She stood up, pushing back down her dress, needing something to do with her hands. She would just go back to her room. “And.. you need to sleep. You’ll feel better after.”

His eyes had followed her motion, even with what she did with her hands. They followed her so well. “That won’t help.”

“Well… maybe you should try it anyway,” she said, her tone ending on a finality. That was hard for her to do, especially to someone with Lloyd’s face and his kind eyes. She was about to turn away until she felt that same familiar ache there, on her wrist.

But he didn’t bring her toward him, simply stopped her. He stood up now, looking down at her, his face suddenly so close.

“He doesn’t do much for you. He doesn’t even give you what you want.” He narrowed his eyes. “I’m right, aren’t I?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know what…”

“You’re both just so stupid,” he said, then leaned forward, kissing her already so deeply.

Colette froze, eyes wide. His mouth took hold of her so fast, and she felt his breath in her. His hair fell over her face, so close he was to her. It brought out a wish in her. She couldn’t pull away from him. She..

He moved away for one moment, lips still so close to hers. “You can’t be this kind. It’ll only get you hurt.”

She couldn’t respond to that, and her half open mouth was just invitation for the doppelganger to kiss her again, his hand now pressed against her cheek. And she couldn’t move, because it was what she imagined that-

“What the hell?!”

The doppelganger broke their kiss fast, his gaze going past her shoulder. She didn’t want to turn. She knew who it was and suddenly didn’t know what to do.

Footsteps bounded across the floor, and an arm reached to push the other Lloyd away. “The fuck were you doing to her?”

“…Why do you care right now?” That same sharp smile, delivered to them both. “I didn’t hurt her, like you.”

“What? I didn’t-!” She could hear Lloyd fuming behind her, then he was moving more forward, now in her vision. He wasn’t wearing his jacket now, just his black shirt and pants. Both of them were in the same color, the same face, the same eyes both brimming with anger. For a moment, she couldn’t tell who to reach her hand out to. Then her Lloyd – her Lloyd – was gripping the other’s collar, as if ready to shove him to the floor.

“You bastard! I knew we shouldn’t have taken you!”

“Lloyd! Don’t!” She grabbed Lloyd’s arm, pulling him away. “Let him go!”

Lloyd didn’t, still holding on, but he turned to glare at Colette with both surprise and hurt. “You’re _still_ standing up for him? Why?”

Too distracted, the doppelganger had shoved his hand aside, teeth gritted. “Don’t touch me. Go deal with this yourselves.” He had already slipped away, heading for the front doors of the inn before disappearing. He had not left her eyes nearly the whole time since Derris-Kharlan. Instinctively, she followed after him.

Lloyd grabbed her arm. “Colette! Are you kidding me?”

“I- He could get hurt!”

“ _Fuck him!_ Why did you let…?” Lloyd struggled visibly. He let her go, but his shoulders were shaking. “Why did you let him?”

Colette tried to speak, but nothing would come out. She hadn’t lost her voice. That would have been an excuse. But no words would come out. _He had your face._ But how would that sound? She had never told him…

Lloyd waited for her words, but when none came, he slowly turned away.

“Never mind. Just… I’m going to bed.” And he had went off quickly too, just like the doppelganger. They were so much alike, no matter how much both would hate it.

Colette stood downstairs alone, trying not to let her tears take over. She needed to fix this…

* * *

Lloyd had never felt so angry and so embarrassed at the same time. He sat on the floor of his room, unable to get any sleep at all. Not wanting to. He would just see it again as soon as he closed his eyes.

He had knocked on her door earlier, wanting to apologize to her for earlier that day. It had been then that he heard soft talking from downstairs, and of course, being unable to stop his curiosity, had gone down there to find the both of them.

He watched as his other self lean forward and kissed Colette, reaching out to touch her. He had watched as Colette just stood there, not even moving away from the second kiss either. She had even closed her eyes…

Lloyd should have just gone back, but he had been _so_ furious. Who was this other bastard to just go and do that? To do that before…

Before he could ever have a chance to. Lloyd felt he needed to wait, after everything, after all the things that happened and continued to happen…

She liked him more, didn’t she? That was why… she hadn’t…

Someone knocked at his door then. He thought about ignoring it, until it came again, so soft. He recognized it before she spoke. “Lloyd?”

He should just stay on the floor and keep quiet, but he was already moving to open it. He couldn’t stay to look, just a flash of Colette’s face before he turned to walk away again, leaving the door open.

“I… I just came to talk with you.”

Lloyd nodded, still looking away. “Okay.” He was afraid to say anything else.

He heard the door softly close, followed by Colette’s footsteps. She went up to him, but stopped short, and something in Lloyd wished she could just go further. But then, would he accept it right now.

Lloyd turned then. He saw how Colette had wrapped an arm around herself, her face looking so crushed. Lloyd wanted nothing more than to hug her, but he still felt so angry about everything. He dug his hands in his hair, turning away from her again.

“Colette, you never answered me,” he said. He wasn’t sure he wanted it answered. What if it was what he feared? “Why did you let him?”

He heard her feet shift on the carpeted floor. “I thought… it felt like someone else.”

Usually he would be patient with her, but Lloyd felt he had run out of it. His hands slid from his hair to his eyes, pressing the heel of his palms against them. “Colette, what do you _mean?_ What does any of that mean? He’s not anyone.”

“He.. um…”

“If you like him so much, why don’t you just say it already? Just stop… stop trying to make me feel better. It’s not working.”

He heard her suck in her breath. He had never talked to her like this. He never wanted to. But he felt so hurt, and didn’t know where to put it. She was right here and it was easiest. And she just wouldn’t give him a straight answer. It was driving him crazy.

“That’s why you wanted to bring him along,” he said, answering for her. “Because you like him.”

“Lloyd… I…” Colette took in a shaky breath. He still was too afraid to look at her. If he saw her cry, he’d lose whatever hold he had on this. “I… do like him a lot. I do.”

He had never wanted to be wrong so much. His hands had left his face, just hanging by his sides. Something went through him, muting his anger for a short moment.

“But.. it’s because he is like someone else I know. Who… I also like.”

Strangely, that.. didn’t make him feel much better. He shut his eyes for a moment, then turned to her. She was still standing there, holding herself, but now her eyes were wet. So much of his resolve broke then, but his building emotions were too hard to keep down.

“I’m not like him!” Lloyd said, hating it, hating everything right now. “I can’t… I can’t be like him. I can’t be that kind of person. I just… I can’t be. I don’t want to be.”

Colette raised her head, confusion spreading across her features. She reached for him, slightly. “I don’t mean… like that.”

“What does that make me if I’m like him? Is that how you see me?” He can’t be this awful. But what if he was? Only an awful person would hurt Colette this much right now and refused to stop. “Am I… just…”

“No, no, that’s not…” Colette looked to the floor briefly before going back to him. She walked forward, reaching for one of his hands. He didn’t pull away from her grip, although his grip was basically lifeless. “I meant… there are parts of you in him. And… I saw that tonight. I… liked that.”

He didn’t understand still. He was too afraid to hold her hand back, though his other reached for his hair, pulling at it slightly. “But I’m right here. Me! I’ve always been here! He didn’t grow up with you, or travel with you, or made you your-“ He stopped, feeling himself unravel. He didn’t want to be that kind of person. “But you had to go to him?”

She stared at him, suddenly much closer. “Have you wanted to kiss me?”

The question was something he desperately wanted to answer. _Yes. For so long._ But there was an accusation there, too. For so long he wanted, and so long he hadn’t. Instead he saw an image of something he had wanted for himself, taking her mouth in the dark and holding her face close, to share in each other’s first. But… he hadn’t been the one to do that.

“I wanted that, too. And I guess… he has your eyes, and it just felt like you. Just then. It’s stupid, I know. I’m sorry.”

She stopped. He finally gripped back her hand, but only to make her look at him. “Is that it then?” he asked her. His tone was soft, contrasting his words. “Just kiss him and it’s over?”

“Huh?” She looked even more confused. “I don’t… understand.”

“Please, just-“ He wanted to bash his head against the wall. Did he have to feel even more like an idiot today? “Don’t you get it?”

_Am I not good enough now?_

Colette had moved closer now. He could hear her soft breathing. She looked up at him, her face in wonder. “I… I messed up a lot. I didn’t think you wanted…”

But she quieted herself, leaning up to kiss him, gently on the lips. It was soft and sweet, and something that he had wanted for so long. Then the memory of him and her downstairs filled his head suddenly.

He kissed her back, opening her mouth deeply, his free hand gripping her shoulder. She made a noise in the back of her throat, but didn’t move away. She hadn’t moved away from his doppelganger either but…

At least he could have this.

His kiss was desperate, his tongue sliding against her lips before tasting her. He felt her own, how it made his legs weak, and how she kept making sounds at his insistent kissing. Her hand reached to grab the front of his shirt, staying close. That was different, and that difference he took with him gladly.

They finally broke free, both of them catching their breath. She was still near him, and her lips were barely apart from his own.

“I don’t want him to have any more of you,” he told her. They were near a wall, and he gently pushed her to it, keeping her pinned in his arms. She didn’t try moving in any way.

“I’m sorry.” She looked down. “I really am. I… only wanted you. You’re still-”

“Stop,” he said before kissing her again, again just as deep. Maybe not as good as his other self even, but everything he felt for her was in that kiss. And he wanted all of her, like he always had. “Just look at only me. Not at… my shadow. Not at that.”

She was about to apologize again, and he couldn’t handle that. Another deep kiss, one hand of his gripping her side. Both of her hands went to his chest, wringing his shirt, fingers just brushing against his skin. He kept her by the wall, tasting her and wanting her, trying to make up for everything he could’ve had a long time ago. He just wished someone with his face hadn’t been the one to help him get here.


End file.
